The past four months could be described in so many ways. Beautiful, challenging, life changing, joyful, happy, hard, long, emotional, rewarding, painful and perfect. Despite the roller coaster these four months were, it has been ever so worth it. I want to take a look back at the past four months and talk about it. I feel like I can now that I'm getting more adjusted to motherhood and feel like I can catch my breath.
Since Lucy arrived, my life was turned upside down. Not much, if anything, has stayed the same. That's not to say that its bad but I was definitely shook. I no longer had time to myself, I had so much more responsibilities and I was definitely overwhelmed. The first three weeks were difficult. Coming home from the hospital was a shock. I was in pain, extremely exhausted and needed about five days of sleep. Thank goodness my mom was there to help us out, especially with breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding was so much harder than I could have imagined. Before Lucy arrived I thought it would be so natural and beautiful and that we would have no problems. It was SO HARD. It seemed like Lucy hated it. It took the help of a couple nurses and my mom working for an hour to even get to to latch in the hospital. Then she wouldn't eat well once she was on. Lucy lost too much weight and so I started pumping after every feed. I hated pumping but at least it didn't scream at me. Eventually we had to supplement her with donated breastmilk. It hurt me so deeply because I felt like I wasn't good enough for her. However at that point we'd been in the hospital for 3 days and I was too tired to disagree. I continued to pump when we got home after every feed. I had grown to despise breastfeeding. I would sit down and get ready to feed her and as soon as i laid her down she began to scream. She cried, I cried and the whole ordeal lasted an hour and a half to two hours. Finally I decided I couldn't do it and we fed her breastmilk from a bottle. It was honestly heartbreaking and I've never felt so guilty in my entire life. Later the guilt faded into relief. I felt like I could breath again. I continued to pump until she was two months old. I hated every minute of it and was dealing with the worst pain that never went away. I then got mastitis and that was the last straw. Mastitis was miserable but it made me realize that I was already miserable. Pumping was taking a huge toll on my mental health and I felt so weighed down. So I quit. Switching to formula was the best decision I could have made for me and for Dallin and for Lucy. I was happy, Dallin enjoyed a happy wife again, and I was finally able to feel like I was bonding with Lucy. Life was 10 times better.
Well I really didn't plan on sharing all that but the words just kept coming so there you go, my breastfeeding experience. Being parents has been so hard and so rewarding and so great. The first three weeks were probably the hardest due to lack of sleep, a lot of doctors appointments (she had a hard time gaining the weight back) and a very colicky baby. For about a week straight Lucy would scream and cry non stop from 5 to almost midnight. Eventually that faded and she started sleeping four hour stretches, then five and six and now she sleeps about six hour stretches every night followed by a couple more hours after eating. Sleep is glorious. I have never loved climbing into bed more than the past four months. We had a lot of help those first couple months. Our parents were awesome. They would come and let us get some sleep and take turns with little Lucy.
Right now things are going well. I feel like we're adjusting. We have a good routine and that is so nice. Lucy is a champ and takes great naps throughout the day and we couldn't ask for a better sleeper at night. We will take a 6/7 hour stretch! Every morning she wakes around 5 to eat before sleeping a couple more hours. After this I usually workout and do my scripture reading and prayers for the day. Then I'm able to fix breakfast for Dallin and I before she even wakes up. During her naps I usually clean and am able to do most of the things I need to. We have it pretty good right now, especially since she is usually such a happy baby when she's awake.
It's been incredible to watch Lucy grow and see her little personality come through. When she was little itty bity she always had her lips in a little O shape and it was the cutest. She loved to cuddle. Then she started to smile which was so so fun. We spent all our time trying to get her to smile even though it took another few week for it to become a regular thing. She started getting excited and kicking her legs. Now she squeals and talks all the time through her little grunts. She is so focused trying to use her hands and has just started wanting to roll over.
I feel good about our little family and I love that there are three of us now. She brings so much to our family and we couldn't have asked for more perfect baby girl. She is truly perfect for us and all the sleepless nights so far have been worth it. She is so special and we are incredibly blessed to experience the roller coaster of parenthood with her.
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